Anguish

This pic makes anguish seem beautiful. Isn't this pin pretty? It makes anguish look so pleasant wrapped in pastels and decorated in gold. But reality says different. It is heavy and deeper than sorrow.  Anguish is defined as "severe mental or physical pain and suffering." In other words, you sometimes feel you are losing your mind.

The word that the Lord had actually given me 8 years ago was "contentment". It was a word to focus on which was defined as "ease of mind; satisfaction."  One definition of ease is "to relieve from something (as pain or worry) that distresses. Let me break that down again. Distress is defined as "suffering of body or mind; pain, anguish."

So there you have it. Many times we think of contentment as merely to just be satisfied with what you have. While that is one definition of contentment it is not the entire definition. Mine was more of relieving my mind from pain and worry. I won't get into all the details but my mind was tormented with worry and pain.

I don't know what you are going through today that is causing you anguish. But I do know that God sees you. Believe me, nothing escapes the notice of God. He hears your cry. He is with you and He wants to help you. Forgiveness is a start on the journey of easing your mind. It doesn't excuse the other person but it sets you free. I know what you are thinking, "But that isn't fair! If I forgive them then they are getting away with it!" I get that. But, no, it doesn't work that way. They never get away with it forever. At some point they will face consequences but, in the meantime, you don't have to live in a prison of bitterness and anguish.

Give it to God. He cares about the anguish of your soul. He longs to ease your mind.

Watch over each other to make sure that no one misses the revelation of God’s grace. And make sure no one lives with a root of bitterness sprouting within them which will only cause trouble and poison the hearts of many. Heb 12:15 TPT

xo

Big Fish Stories

I thought it would be fun to dedicate a page for all my fishing pics. I've only been doing this for a couple of seasons but, so far, my favorite is the large mouth bass! Exhilarating to reel those suckers in and quite a show for everyone around the lake with all my ecstatic yelling! I hope you enjoy!

                             My first bass

Cutie pie...this lure was not meant for you!

This was a fun day. 2 bass about 3 min apart. No, not the same. The 2nd was an inch bigger.

My first crappie. This was the best Mother's Day gift! My dad would have been proud.

July 2, 2023

This one requires surgery. He tried to swallow my lure completely and he succeeded! This hurt me more than him. He was fine when I released him. 

June 25, 2023 - caught 2 of these guys today 

May 27, 2023 - me time! This was such a beautiful day out at the lake by myself 

April 8, 2023 - my 1st trout! A pleasant surprise!

March 5, 2023 - 1st bass of 2023! Kiss my bass!

July 10, 2022 - 2 bass for me!

July 17, 2022 - redear sunfish, cute lil bugger

October 7, 2020 - selfie!

Aug 7, 2021 - little blue hill

July 2, 2021 - crappie 😁

June 5, 2021 - too big for his britches 

Mar 28, 2021 - 1st bass of the season!

Sep 21, 2020 - minnow and 2 bass

Sep 4, 2020 - bass ! 

Aug 30, 2020 - bass and redear sunfish great evening

July 28, 2020 - in my element 

July 16, 2020 - nice bass feisty!

Roots and Stones

I came across this journal entry from nine and a half years ago that is worth sharing. It's a self-reflection of the roots of my insecurities and the walls I had built around myself.

The Lord revealed an amazing vision to me. He had told me, "It's time to rebuild." He showed me how He was pulling me out of a deep pit but when He set me on higher ground I was exposed. All the walls I had built around myself were gone. The stones had been overturned. He said He was going to build the new wall with different stones with the main stone being "trust". It is all becoming more clear as He leads me through the wilderness of insecurity that I need to develop spiritual disciplines. First and foremost, making Him #1...spending time in His Presence, trusting Him and relaxing my hold on things...in fact, prying my fingers off of them! Giving up reasoning and trying to fix everything and having all the answers. 

So this is what He showed me of the new wall. It was transparent but the stones were like transparent jewels. This wall was different in the fact that I couldn't hide behind it. I am still protected yet visible...touchable instead of untouchable. 

Thus far, in this short distance, I realize that I have to renew my mind and transform my heart to the fact that God must complete me. Only He can fill the empty places of my soul. Only He can piece the broken fragments of my soul together. Only He can heal me of insecurity. Only He can pull up these roots and cut them off and only He can be my ultimate security. He is the One who loves me, approves of me, accepts me, notices me and the one who will never leave me. He listens to me, He understands me, He holds me, He cares for me, He protects me, He fathers me and, yes, He praises me saying, "Look at that one. She is mine."

I have focused far too much on those things I don't have rather than exercising the gifts that I do have that lie dormant or weak. 

God made me and His work is GOOD. I have thought too small and judged myself as worthless and of no value. How dare I? Am I to critique God's masterpiece?

In conclusion, I realize the root at the roots of my insecurity is the fear of rejection with abandonment as a close second.

So what is the cure? It is what the Lord told me in the beginning of this study, however, as we all do I was complicating it, waiting for a more "glamorous" resolve or more work on my part? Or maybe a miraculous revelation? But quite simply...change the way I think and speak with the word of God and trust Him...period. No matter what. Even if my fears become reality I must trust Him that He brings good to me at the end of it all. That even through a possible season of pain, heartache and wounds that seem they will not heal, that I will get back up on my feet and continue living in praise and glory to His name. He IS my security. I am clothed with strength and dignity and NO ONE and nothing can take that from me.

When I read this, I knew it had to be shared. These words even have a prophetic ring to them in my own life because I realize these transparent stones that look like jewels are a part of me...a diamond with many facets. As I type this I come full circle realizing the vulnerability as I let you into seasons of my life where I have experienced my greatest joys as well as my deepest pain. It's a scary position to be in but I have to trust God as He leads me to share chapters of my story.

What is God speaking to you today about your fears? What is the root of your insecurity? It is only when you uncover the root that you can start digging it out and begin to heal. We are all a work in progress. Don't ever forget that. Set yourself up for success one stone at a time.

xo

Banners of Love

When I had my first son, I was 30 years old. I had never really been around babies before that. I had a beautiful pregnancy, however, in the 6th month I was diagnosed with stage 3 pre-cancer cells in my cervix. There was nothing that could be done until after my son was born. I prayed and believed God for healing. I was healed but it was a process. After the procedure I would then go in for a pap test every few months, then if the diagnosis remained clear, I would eventually be able to go back to annual appointments. It has been gone for 17 years now.

I had a traumatic labor and delivery. My expectations of a beautiful and amazing experience were dashed. I went into the hospital on a Friday night having major contractions that were close together. Yet I was not in pain and the nurse was surprised when I told her that. The problem was that I wasn't progressing but they didn't want to send me home either. So they broke my water at 10am on a Saturday morning. I was still managing the discomfort well, remembering my breathing techniques as the contractions grew stronger. I wasn't dilating as I should have been so they induced me late that afternoon. At that point, I felt pain like no other. Around 5pm I finally asked for a local. Once it wore off I then asked for an epidural. I began to progress more and the doctor on call told me that I could finally start pushing. Unbeknownst to me, shortly after I started pushing, my epidural ran out. (no wonder it hurt so bad!) In the wee hours of Sunday morning I pushed for hours according to my mom. I asked the doctor if it was too late to do a c-section and they ordered one. By this point, I was hysterical. My body was in complete shock, so much so, that the anesthesiologist commanded the whole team that, "No one is touching her until I get her calmed down!" He ordered the nurses for more and more warm blankets to pile on top of me because I was shaking so bad. By the time my son was delivered I was delirious and completely out of it. Later I found out that the cord was wrapped around his neck. I didn't even get to hold him for another 2-3 hours. I barely saw him. There was not that beautiful moment of mother and son bonding like I had with my second.

My son was a fussy baby who had colic. I went home with so much anxiety. My mom stayed with us the first night. Her and I paced the living room floor with him all night that first night. Not a wink of sleep.

And as I read back through my journals I was reminded of those nights. Lots of time spent in the rocking chair. Going to bed after 10pm, waking up multiple times in the night for feeding and/or consoling, and then he would be up by 7am if not earlier. He also did not take naps more than maybe 2-3 times a day for about 15 minutes at a time. Then every night at dinner time, without fail, he would scream uncontrollably for a minimum of 3 hours straight. This is what is defined as "colic" and it lasted for 3 months. I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. But what I wouldn't give to hold him and rock him now.

A year and a half later I went to my church counselor and she told me I was depressed and advised me to see a doctor. I did and he confirmed I was still suffering with postpartum. He gave me samples of a drug but I never felt peace about taking it. I was getting ready to go out of town to a conference and I didn't want to try new medicine while I was away from home. The short of that is that the Lord healed me while I was at that conference and I never had to take it. But that's another story.

My marriage was going through its own trial at the time and I felt like a complete failure as a wife, a mom and as God's daughter. When my son was almost 2 years old I went to church one night and one of the pastors, who had a gift of vision, was praying over me. We were going to a mega church at that time. He had no idea of what I was going through whatsoever. He began to speak over me saying, "I see banners of love over you and unlimited mercy and grace from God." Wow. I thought it was such a beautiful and amazing word then. It brought me so much comfort. But now...when I read that journal entry...it was so profound. Even prophetic.

Historically, a banner typically has an image that depicts a king, what he stood for...his identity. Soldiers would carry this banner into battle with pride. A banner distinguished them from other regiments in battle. In essence, God's love covers me. Not only that but unlimited mercy and grace. I have seen this in my life. His love has been a constant even to a point that at my worst I almost wanted to push it away. It was too pure, too good, and I was so undeserving, so dirty, completely undone.

That banner is for you as well. None of us are deserving. If we were then we wouldn't need Jesus. That's why He came. He didn't come for perfect people. He came for the broken. He says your face will no longer be covered in shame but all who look to Him are RADIANT with joy! (Psa 34:5)

It's okay, carry that banner high and proud. His love covers you and you will find his mercy and grace right when you need it. (Heb 4:16)

xo

Chicken Lazone

This recipe has become a family favorite. So much so, that my brother-in-law requested that I add it to my menu for Christmas Eve! My understanding is that it is a French dish...I love to say it. Meet the ultimate comfort food with a kick...

xo

Chicken Lazone

2 lb chicken tenders (or thin sliced breasts, halved)

salt

1 1/2 t chili powder

1/2 t onion powder (or minced)

2 t garlic powder (or 2 cloves minced)

1/4 t cayenne pepper

1/4 c butter, divided

2 c heavy cream

In a bowl, combine salt, chili powder, onion powder, garlic powder and cayenne pepper. Sprinkle over both sides of chicken.

In large skillet, melt half the butter over med-high heat. Cook chicken until done, turning halfway through, about 8 min.

Pour in cream and remaining butter into skillet. Lower heat and simmer until sauce thickens, about 5-7 min. Serve chicken and sauce over pasta or mashed potatoes. (baked potato is good too!)

What's For Dinner?

When I started back to work full time I had a very difficult time juggling everything. There were two ladies in my life at that time that were wonderful cooks. I would reach out to them practically begging for them to send me some simple recipes. I didn't have the time or energy to cook as I did when I was staying home with my oldest until he was two or even when I went to part-time. Well, I never got any recipes from them. I was tired of fixing hamburger helper and spaghetti. I needed some ideas. This was long before I had heard of Pinterest. (insert Hallelujah chorus)

I felt alone in this hat that I wore as a working mom. It was not my dream. My dream was to stay home with my babies. It didn't work out that way and I was full of anxiety and stress and felt that no one really knew how to help me, didn't have the time or thought I was being ridiculous because, after all, a lot of women juggle careers and households, right?

In 2016, my youngest son was diagnosed with a soy and rice allergy on top of his peanut allergy. Since then he has been diagnosed with other nut allergies so we just have him stay away from nuts altogether, One year later in May of 2017 I was diagnosed with celiac. Meals got real, y'all.

Thank the good Lord for Pinterest. I was able to find a lot of recipes that we could all eat. Even some that I could "improvise". Yay!!!!

That being said, when God put upon my heart to start this blog, I knew that there would be a section for recipes. Maybe meals are not a challenge for your family but they are for many of us. And even if you don't have any food allergies, new recipes are always nice to change things up a bit. My goal is to post at least a couple for you a month.

Most of these recipes are not my own creation, they have been borrowed from other pinners or family recipes. I hope you will be blessed by them!

xo

Celebrate???

As most of you know the buzz around the country and possibly the world is, "What's your word for 2020?"

My cousin texted me yesterday and this was her question to me. I hadn't really given it a lot of thought but a word kept coming to mind. It wasn't an unfamiliar word to me because for the last half of 2019 it was a word that became my mantra. That word is "intention". As I texted my reply to her something occurred to me, my word for 2019 was "celebrate". I actually remember where I was sitting when I received that word. I was sitting on my bed with notebooks, Bible and Havilah Cunnington's study in front of me along with my cell phone. Celebrate? The word made absolutely no sense to my psyche whatsoever for the season I was in. So I began looking up every scripture verse I could find that had to do with "celebrate" or some variation of the word. I wrote them down and by faith I read these verses for the next 2 months. Quite honestly, after that, I forgot about them.

As the months went on I saturated myself in studies on healthy boundaries, identity, overcoming, chasing my dreams (and what were those exactly?), healing from the pain in my life, etc. Essentially, anything and everything that would help me to get out of my pit of pain and live victoriously regardless of what was going on around me and how other people treated me.

Fast forward to 2020 and the word "intention". As I shared this word with my cousin I realized that the word "celebrate" was prophetic. I entered into 2020 as if I had just heard a really good song and it was my duty to get out on the dance floor and dance to it! I can tell you that on December 30th when I posted my first entry to my blog, that it was not planned whatsoever. Sure I had been thinking about my blog, working on it here and there but didn't feel I was "ready" for that next step. I had done the work, I had been intentional but I didn't think what I had to offer was "enough". It's a scary thing putting yourself out there for the whole world to see. But I can tell you the moment my finger hit the "publish" button I was completely filled with excitement and expectation and that feeling has not left me since that day. Something happened in that moment. My heart, my soul, my being are full.

I was created for this.

I had to overcome my fear of being transparent, vulnerable to the judgments and opinions of others, being less than perfect, feeling unqualified and less than eloquent. I will shoot it to you straight. You will find grammatical errors in my blog. You may not 100% agree with everything I say. You may question my theology. You may think I am crazy. But guess what? That's not my yard. As my virtual spiritual mentor, Havilah Cunnington, says, "How you respond says everything about you and how I respond says everything about me." All I know is that I had to step out at that moment. I believe that if I hadn't then someone else would have done it and I would have missed out on something amazing! It's happened before. And it's funny, after I made that first post, I began seeing ministers, influencers, bloggers all around in my circle posting various things of the same message that I have to share. Hope, healing, victory, knowing your true identity, realizing that you have worth and value, purpose and gifts. That's what God does, He will confirm the word He has given you over and over again.

So why "intention"? It was already a word that has been running through my life in the past 7-8 months like a golden thread and here it is again. Because in order to guard, protect, and keep all the reasons I have to celebrate I have to live with intention. Does that make sense? In order for me to keep this blog going, stay connected on my Rubies and Wildfires Instagram and making videos on my YouTube channel, I have to live with intention. It doesn't just "happen". In the "I Do Hard Things" Bible study I am doing by Havilah Cunnington, she says that in a study that was performed with many successful men and women the one thing that they all had in common, that made them successful, was the power of choice. You have to choose. You are not going to get out of that pain by simply wanting to or even praying to get out. I'm not saying it can't happen but more times than not God asks us to do our part and then we partner with Him to do the rest. That is one definition of grace...God's power in us doing what we cannot do on our own.

I'm not a morning person but I have been getting up an extra 30 minutes earlier to do at least 5-10 minutes of yoga to wake up and feel good and then I start in on my Bible study. I have to be intentional when I want to hit the snooze button. I count the cost.

What is it that you need to be more intentional about? My hope and prayer for you is that you will use your power of choice and partner with God to be the best version of you that you can be. The person God created you to be, how He really sees you and the person that the world is waiting for!

xo